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Just for a chuckle...office humour 
3rd-Apr-2008 10:27 am
Just a bit of humour for a Thursday. The sad thing about this is that my company really does have this type of attitude, even though they don't go as far as this. But probably only because they would be sued...yes I am being very cynical today.


NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict ! three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three min! utes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be di! rected elsewhere.


The Management

Twin Souls
Comments 
3rd-Apr-2008 02:54 pm (UTC)
Henry VII of England really did have a tax collector named Morton who came up with the "Morton's Fork" strategy: your luxurious lifestyle shows you have plenty of money to pay taxes to the king! Your frugal lifestyle shows you must have hoarded plenty of money you can use to pay taxes to the king!
3rd-Apr-2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
That's just too funny! OMG!
3rd-Apr-2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
Thanks for that - great list!!
3rd-Apr-2008 04:01 pm (UTC)
I am sure Newport Libraries invented that system, but I'm still giggling at it.
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